I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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