oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
