Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
God, you're like boner-b-gone
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
