he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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