It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
