My Higher Power is John Stamos
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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