am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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