you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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