can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
