after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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