Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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