those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
