if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The best revenge is premature balding
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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