Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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