Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
