Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
