The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
