I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
