I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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