Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
