I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
