two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
