I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
