You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my shit smells like andre
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
