i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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