just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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