I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
