I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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