I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
