imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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