Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
