She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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