when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
