When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
