I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
