well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
