My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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