Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
