She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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