He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
