There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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