i think i recognize dicks better than faces
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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