Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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