Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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