The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
