Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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