the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
