You really coming over, don't trick.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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