Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
