Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
