I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
